John Seanie Doocey

My Father,Seanie,well me and him did'nt speak for years,I left Ireland when I was just turned 20,I never had a father/daughter relationship with Seanie,because the drink meant more to him than his family,sad thing to say but the truth.
Dad,you were never there for me,during the toughest times of my life and through the happiest times,when I got married,when I had my children, I used to actually call out your name just to say Dad" but you never answered did you ! we never got to make our peace,when Patsi rang me to say you had fell over and you were in some kind of coma,they said the chances of you coming out of it were very slim, I started crying,,I went to find Gerard and Gary,then Patsi texd me to say "ring now, I rang at 5minutes to 6 in the evening and he told me you were gone,you died 5minutes before,without opening your eyes you died,you never knew your son,s and mam were there with you,they say god works in mysterious ways,well the drink did.nt get you directly but seeing as it was early in the morning and you had downed a bottle of vodka,it did get you in a way,I cried very bitter tears all night for you,if only you held on,if only I got the chance to see you one more time,maybe you would have said sorry" and you know what Dad, I would have forgiven you,after all you did to me,I would have forgiven you,,even though I couldnt touch you in the coffin,I couldnt say goodbye at the grave,it took me some time to let go,to forgive,I will never forget ! but I had to forgive because your gone,,they say drink is the root of all evil,well the drink ruined you and you ruined us but,where ever you are now, I hope you find peace and make your peace,somehow, so now Dad, what I could'nt say to you at the grave I will say now, I DID love you,despite everything, and I will always love the Dad I never had,because somewhere in your heart maybe a bit of you loved me as your daughter !.........
Also,, my Brother's Billy and Paul who passed away several years ago in Ireland, I remember Billy,he was a year younger than me,he was killed outside our door by a truck,he was only 3 and a half when he was killed.Paul I never knew,he died when he was a couple of days old....And my sister Marie, I remember a little blonde,blue eyed baby in a mose's basket in our front room,she was only a few months old when she died of phenumonia,I was there the morning she died,my mam has been through SO MUCH HEARTACHE IN HER LIFE'but she is a strong person and is still here today guiding us and being there for us,,,,,
So,,anyone,,please light a candle for our Billy,Paul and Marie,they are little angels in heaven xx...

Seanie, you weren't there to see me get married,and it all fell apart,after 16years,I could,nt go on anymore.I remember you saying to me time and time again that no one would ever want me or love me,, well maybe thats true because I have never felt so all alone as I do now,what I am looking for is free,costs absolutley nothing, its love,acceptance,someone to love me for "ME" I thought I found that with someone but I was wrong, again, anyway never mind ,as mam always says"we live in hope or Die in vain, live in hope or die trying"
Well do you know what, I am tired of trying, I am who I am,I have my beautiful children,mam is still there for me, so I dont need anymore, I spent so much of my life trying to please everyone that my life passed me by and I am 43 now,I had no child-hood, no teenage years, no youth,now I am trying very hard to live life for myself,be happy with myself,stop trying to be what others want me to be, life is too short.

You know what,,I still love a Dad that I never even had or knew,,Im a grown woman but my mind is still so very child like, I have these images in my head of a normal family,everyone talking and sitting at a table eating,why in gods name did you ruin my life,why couldnt you give up the drink for us and not have everyone look down on us, they all knew what we went through including someof your own family but no-one wanted to help us,,we were the out-siders, we were the outcasts,,even now,,after all these years,,your dead but my god your legacy is alive and kicking,,your sons are making mam's life hell,they can drink just like you and are doing your name proud !!!when I was younger I wanted to change my name because I didnt want anyone to know I was related to you,,but when I realised I can change my name but cant change my life because if I had a complete make-over,,changed my name,moved to the other side of the world I will always know who I am and who you were,,my god I hate these feelings I get about you I thought they would go in time when you went but they wont and they never will because you destryed my life in ways you never even knew,,the Dad I loved is still in my mind,my imagination,my heart,,but Seanie is the man who denied me all that and never let me be a little girl,,I write here because I cant say to you in person what I feel,,god how I wish I had the chance to confront you and have my say once and for all..but thats never going to happen is it